TheWorldofReally's Blog

It's all about me. My Life. My Family. My Friends. My World.

Here I am 1/19/2011. January 19, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — theworldofreally @ 10:51 am

Wow.. Where has the time gone.. I’ve been hiding under a rock apparently.

I guess I just haven’t mustered up the energy to post blogs. Or I just simply forgot about this blog. Yep. That’s it.

Let’s just say that this week just isn’t my week. This year just isn’t my year and it’s only the 19th day of the whole year. Negatives:  I am still single. I haven’t lost the weight that I wanted to lose. I still walk with the cane that I want to throw out the window on my drive home Every.Single.Day. It’s winter and I have the winter blues I guess. It’s only 9:30am and I have until 4pm before I can go home. I signed another year lease and the rent went up. It’s slippery outside. It’s snowing. I all of a sudden feel like I’m going to throw up or shit my pants–either one it’s not a good feeling going through my body right now. I’m bored out of my mind. Positives: It’s Wednesday so half the week is over. I have an hour and a half before lunch. I’m going shopping today. I’m looking at a picture of my beautiful niece and handsome nephew. I’m writing a blog so I can feel better. I have great friends. I have a great family. I have a job. I have insurance. I have a dog who listens to me and doesn’t talk back. I’m alive. I have this wonderful bottle of water sitting next to me begging me to drink it.

Last night was the beginning of my terrible week. It started with resigning my lease and then just went down hill from there. I lost it. I called my sister. Was a bitch to her. Hung up with her and then called my mom. Luckily she answered because I really didn’t feel like explaining my negative attitude to my dad. I lost it though. Everything just came out of me. I couldn’t stop crying. No matter what she said, I would cry harder. I pretty much through a pity party for myself. I felt like the world was just crashing down on me and I couldn’t catch my breath. It hasn’t been this bad in a while and I think I just needed a good cry. I miss my friends. I miss the ones I used to go out for a drink with and just hang out or call to chat or laugh with. I miss everything about them. I don’t have anyone like that here. Everyone either has children or is married and doesn’t want to just hang out and laugh and watch movies. I’m single. I’m 26 going on 27 with not even a chance of a boyfriend in my life. I was talking to this guy and thought things were going well. I told him about my leg and ever since that email. I haven’t heard from him. That’s fine. I don’t want someone like that in my life because you get me the way I am. If you can’t accept that then screw off. I’m on WW but am finding myself still eating like crap because I have NO will power and it doesn’t help that I’m in a department with people who don’t care about their weight because they don’t have any to lose.  It’s the most frustrating thing that I could ever ever do. I know I can lose the weight I want to lose. I’m paying for a subscription and just wasting away money if I don’t focus on me. I always muster up the guts to get the motivation to finally lose the weight and then I lose the motivation. Pathetic. This time is for real. I think that’s what’s causing my unhappiness. My weight and my leg. My leg feels like the biggest burden in my life right now. I’m 26 years old and have never EVER had to walk with a cane. Now. I get a new leg and I’m walking with a fricken cane. It just disappoints me more than anything.

I need a new beginning, whatever that may be. I need one. A new job? Significant Weight loss? A new home? A new project? A new boyfriend? A new area? A vacation? Something. Anything.

Until then. I will continue to throw myself a pity party.

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i.miss.everything.about.you. June 9, 2010

Filed under: Random Thoughts — theworldofreally @ 10:40 am

Colbie Caillat–I Never Told You.

Seems to be my new theme song lately. And I find myself listening to it over and over and over again… And yet, I keep thinking about that person that I’m not supposed to think about. And yet, today we are emailing again. Stop it. Just stop it right now. I can’t contain myself. I miss him. I miss everything about him. Even when I was dating someone else, I still thought about him. Why? I don’t even know. I can’t explain it. It’s just the way he is. Gets me everytime.

Here’s the story–have I explained it before? Probably. Long story short, I was speaking/seeing this guy that works for the same company that I work for for 2 years off and on. I worked out “in the field” (that’s what they call it) and he worked at the home base (that’s what we called it).  Well. my job was eliminated out in the field, so I came to the home base to work. Apparently he was either ashamed of me or I’m not too sure, but he just cut all ties when he found out that I was working where I work now. Talk about awkward. Yes. It was awful my first like 2 months working here, but now I’m in an office where I don’t normally see him on a regular basis like I used to.

Well kids, today was awkward. totally awkward. I was in the kitchen (breakroom) to get ice for my water bottle. and of course I put my bottle under the button against the freezer to push to get ice. Ice went EVERYWHERE! I had a hot mess of ice all over the kitchen floor. And who walks up behind me. Yup. You know who.  I’m like.. stop stop, you don’t have to pick it up, I will pick them all up. And he looks at me, with the “REALLY?” look on his face and says, no problem. AGH!! Stop helping me! Stop looking at me! Stop being NICE TO ME! You screwed me over and it’s not okay to think that being nice is going to help. I’m not over him. I don’t think I will be. Everytime I see him, I think of all the things that could have been, all the things that were and then.. BAM! All the lies sink in.  You can’t have your cake and eat it to. It doesn’t work that way!!

Apparently I’m a pot stirer because I sent him an email to “Thank” him for helping me pick up all the ice that fell. I didn’t thank him in the kitchen because I was just too frazzled to think about anything else but picking up the ice and getting the heck out of there!!!! It was an awkward moment and I just wanted it to stop. So I was like, maybe I should just send an email to show him that I AM the better person in all of this. I did. I sent it. And he sent one back. And then I sent another back. He then replied. And this was happening for a while and then I told him just to stop. So he did. I find myself thinking of ways to talk to him. AGHHH!!!! I’m so pathetic. So extremely pathetic. And I hate it.

I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’m so confused in every aspect of it that I just can’t think about the what-ifs.  I was speaking to one of my old bosses who I always talk to, but she was emailing me the other night and it was great. I miss working for her. She asked if I was ready to go back out in the field yet. Of course if she were to offer me a job, I would take it in a heartbeat. There’s just one thing stopping me. My leg. I need to get over this cane and start walking like I used to. It seems to be getting a little better, but I would LOVE to go back to work with her. She just is a great person who I admire. Her husband was one of my bosses too (he hired me). And if it weren’t for him, I don’t think I would still be with this company. He rocks too! This whole conversation that we were having just got me thinking about when/if I ever want to go back to the field.  aghh! The field is where the money’s at though. So I don’t know. I just wish someone would figure out my life for me. Please?  I’d rather not have to think about it. Or figure it out for myself.

 

randomness.. June 1, 2010

Filed under: Weight — theworldofreally @ 2:55 pm

So.. last post was very random and I kind of just STOPPED my blog in the middle of my thought.

I’m back to write more about my pathetic life.

I wrote that I was going to start WW again. It didn’t happen.  Well okay. I take that back. I have been eating healthy. And actually all of last week, I ate extremely healthy. I think I even lost 2lbs, but I’m not tracking. That’s what I meant by WW not happening. Because I just can’t get myself to track EVERYTHING that enters my mouth. Why? I don’t know. Lazy? It’s possible. Yesterday I barely ate a lunch, but did eat breakfast. So I stopped at Subway on my way home from work to grab something. I considered that my lunch/dinner. I ate it and then napped. That my friends, is not healthy. To eat and then sleep. No no noooo… So since I woke up late, I had popcorn as my ‘snack” while I watched some tube. Then went to bed.

I plan on making an extremely yummy dinner tonight. I have chicken thawing in my fridge to hopefully be able to grill with some veggies maybe?  I’m not quite sure yet. But I do need to get rid of all of the veggies that are in my fridge, so I might just grill/saute. 

I only have a little longer until this day is finally over. And I can’t take it anymore. I just want to go home! It’s humid in this office and I hate it! AHHH!! My hair is flat! SICK.

The day is almost done and I just need to wrap a few things up and then I’m leaving!

I NEED A VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

what do I do with my life?? May 25, 2010

Filed under: Family,Random Thoughts,Weight — theworldofreally @ 1:45 pm

this is going to be a blog where I write just anything and everything. it’s going to be very sparatic too. so good luck reading and understanding.

I’ve started WW again today.  But I forgot my waterbottle at my sisters house this weekend, so I’ll have to find another one.  I didn’t even realize it wasn’t with me because it’s always in my purse. So I have to go keep refilling this little tiny cup. Lame. Needless to say, I went to the grocery store yesterday and actually bought food. Good food. Healthy food. I need to stay on target. It’s really not an option at this point in my life. I am unhealthy and I just can’t do it anymore. I want to feel pretty. I want to look pretty. I want to be HAPPY.

So–the fight that my sister and I were having is over. I sucked it up and apologized for something that I didn’t think needed an apology. But a couple of my lady friends put it in to perspective in front of my face and kind of made me realize a few things. A) I love my sister, always. B) I couldn’t live without her or the family in my life. C) There’s nothing to lose by apologizing. So I did. I sucked it up and sent a heart felt apology. Now. We’re good. I went to visit them this past weekend. It was fun. It was nice to be there. Nice to hold my niece. Nice to cuddle with my buddy.

Yesterday, I had a vacation day from work because I had to take a couple before they expired. It was nice to be off. I planned on laying out in the sun, but holy shit–it was so damn hot out, I couldn’t stand being out there for more 10 minutes with my dog.

Today–I have a headache. of course I was just in the kitchen at work and you know who walks in. UGH. SO annoying.

 

I’m back! May 11, 2010

Filed under: Random Thoughts,Uncategorized — theworldofreally @ 10:54 am

Boy has it been a long time since the last time I posted.  Lets see what’s been going on in my life since April.

1.) started new position at work. ehh.
2.) haven’t been losing the weight that I want to lose
3.) sister had a baby GIRL!
4.) Birthday
5.) The tool bag that I was talking to is a douche and we are now not speaking.
6.) I’m unhappy.
7.) I regret my career choice.
8.) I miss the one person that I’m not supposed to miss. and I hate it.
9.) Today is just not a good day.
10.) Got into a fight with my sister last night and that makes me extremely upset. I am no longer angry. At first I was angry/hurt. It’s stupid, but then again it’s not.
11.) Almost booked a flight to FL for just myself. Just to get away from the world for a couple days. I have no money, yet I’m booking flights to FL for no reason.

Okay enough counting. I am a bitter person this week. I was fine and happy until the thing with my sister yesterday. It really really bothers me. I don’t want to fight with her, nor do I want her to be upset with me. It’s such a dumb situation that I don’t even feel like typing it, that’s how retarded it is.

I think all of this bitterness that I’m feeling has to do with my period. I think it’s almost time for that and the week before, I’m VERY irritable and VERY bitter. I’m just angry at the world. This helps though, typing my thoughts. Because I’ve realized that I really don’t have that “friend” or person that I can just tell anything and everything to. I used to, but not anymore. My best friend TG has a friend that she’s talking to again (long story). My best friend AF has a new boyfriend and I haven’t seen her in 4 years (ridiculous). I just wish I could let ALL of my emotions out. Who am I kidding? I did that last night practically.

I have a gyno appointment tomorrow. Not sure why, but I do. I’ve been rescheduling for like 5 months now. I was supposed to go after 3 months for another check up, but I had to reschedule. I stopped my birth control because well lets face it. There’s no need for it. We will see if she puts me back on it. I need to try something new as I did not have a good experience with the last stuff I was taking.  I had to get an ultrasound last time to check to see if I had everything down there as I have mentioned before that I only have 1 leg. I’m wondering if she will go over those results from that as I have not heard from her about those results.

I really hope things start looking up.

OH–here’s a big whammy.  Found out today that the department that I REALLY wanted to work in for this company is now possibly hiring an additional person. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????? As I just switched positions, there would be NO way I could move again. I’m SO pissed. SOOOOOO pissed. AGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s all for now because if I continue to type, you might want to poke your eyes out if you keep reading.

Have. a. lovely. day.

 

Enough is enough.. April 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — theworldofreally @ 8:35 am

I have hit my all time highest in weight and I am disgusted.

I stepped on the scale this morning and about fainted. I started shaking. Almost in tears. I came back to reality and said okay. This is it. I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of being fake and happy on the outside, but feeling awful on the inside. I want to be happy again. I want to love myself. I want to feel beautiful. I want people to look at me and go WOW.

So today ladies and gentleman is the day that I start up on WW again. For the last time. (No really.)

My plan.

To track. EVERYTHING.
To workout every night after work. (because we all know my lazy ass isn’t going to get up at the ass crack of dawn and work out!)
To lose 40lbs by December 2010.

This is it.

Today April 13th, I weigh 194.2lbs. (I just threw up after typing/reading that)

Not for long.

“No one can change your life except for you…”

 

I warn you now.. April 12, 2010

Filed under: Random Thoughts,Weight — theworldofreally @ 1:09 pm

Don’t start to read this if you’re in a good mood!

I woke up feeling like ab-so-lute SHIT.  One of those days where you just feel blah. Don’t want to get up. Don’t want to go to work. Don’t want to shower. Don’t want to put on clothes that fit you last month and now are tight.

What is my problem?  Do I need therapy?  There have been days where I’m just depressed. Today is one of them. I’m normally the happiest ever. Okay we shouldn’t go that far. But I honestly thought this would go away. I can’t motivate myself to lose the weight needing to be lost. WhY?  Why do I keep insisting the crap that I eat is okay for me? Why do I keep telling myself that I’ll work out when I never do? I know that I’ll feel better about myself when I actually do start working out and when I actually do start controlling what I’m eating.

This weekend I ate a whole box of Chez-it’s.. REALLY? Let me clarify.. Not all in ONE day. It was periodically throughout the weekend, but still. WHO DOES THAT??  Me. Apparently I’m a heffer. I’m really not, but I feel like I am. I felt like a beast this morning. I was driving to work and just felt HUGE.  I haven’t weighed myself lately because I’m scared of what the scale will say. I have this funny feeling that it won’t be pretty and it just scares me. A Lot.

I’ve also realized that I’d rather go without my leg than with. I got a new prosthesis back in June of last year (2009).  My other one I had for 15 years. My other one was no good for me. But it was still apart of me. It was what I knew. Now I have this new high tech thing that is supposed to apparently be good for me and will do wonders for me. Not so much. I use a cane. WHAT THE FUCK. Yah. I am NOT happy about using a cane. I have NEVER had to do that before. EVER. Everyone keeps telling me, you’ll grow out of your cane. Nope. Still haven’t. It’s been a year. What’s that about? YOU TELL ME DAMNIT.  Plus this one is uncomfortable. Why? Because I’ve gained 10lbs and it hurts. UGH. 

I am unhappy and angry at the world today. So everyone WATCH THE HELL OUT!!!!